Our apologies. During delivery of your girlfriend, someone forgot to attach a copy of the operating instructions. In reviewing old files before deleting for privacy reasons, we noticed the error. We have enclosed the latest version of the manual. Additional documentation is available online. Please note that we have extended your warranty for one extra day.
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Operating Instructions for Girlfriend, model #: 73487689709743, serial #: 001
- Operating temperature: 37 C +- 1.0
- Ambient temperature range: -10 to +40 C. Girlfriend may be operated outside of this range for brief periods but care should be taken to insure that internal temperature remains within specifications.
- Audio level: 3-140db. Maximum harmonic distortion: 100%.
- Power Requirements: Idle: Oxygen 45g/hr, Water 60 ml/hr. Peak: A fully functioning girlfriend can consume large amounts of energy. Please make sure your electrical service, bank accounts, vehicles, and physical health are updated. Girlfriend has been started at the factory and is designed to run continuously- do not attempt to switch girlfriend off.
All markings, color mismatch, and asymmetries in your girlfriend are guarantees that you have received an all-natural, handmade girlfriend. Your girlfriend is built to last for generations and has been provided with an entirely internal motivational system, which we really have no control over, so you are on your own on that one. In compliance with the latest i9000 standards, your girlfriend has been assembled from 100% recycled materials and is certified lead free. Although your girlfriend is edible, in most locales this is prohibited by law.
Many critical components are provided in duplicate and are enhanced with triple redundant repair systems. Some parts may seem useless at first, but rest assured that they will provide a wonderful source of entertainment in the future. Please take good care of your girlfriend. Very few replacement parts are available and they are extremely expensive. We are currently in the process of expanding our parts department, but it is not expected to be online until 2035. If you would like to assist this effort, please consider installing the bio-engineering phd software on your children. Meanwhile, we suggest you check ebay on a regular basis if parts are needed.
The first level of play consists of various simple challenges. Points will be gained for successfully escorting your girlfriend to social events, complimenting her clothing and appearance, tastefully discouraging other suitors, and questing for adventure. When you have navigated this level and retained sufficient sanity points and energy stars, your girlfriend will explain the second level to you by means of koans. For those of you unfamiliar with zen practise, a koan is a riddle and a meditation. For instance, “do i look fat in this?”. The obvious answer is “no”, but if your girlfriend repeats the koan, it means you have not yet answered correctly. Boyfriends have reported that certain answers have been successful, including ”we have a months vacation in barcelona starting next week and child care has been taken care of”, “why am i so in love with you?”, ”please marry me”, and ”yes, that designer sucks, lets go to new york and buy you some serious clothes”. Various hint booklets purport to ensure your progress through this and future levels, but remember, creativity and uniqueness count – and the full potential of your girlfriend has yet to be tapped.
Please note that we are not responsible for damage to girlfriend, parents, vehicles, furniture, or world peace. Our legal staff assures us in no uncertain terms that you are responsible and liable for any and all damages and fees resulting from your relationship with your girlfriend, however, on a more cheerful note, our customers report that normal girlfriends rarely incur liabilities exceeding two or three years average income.
There are NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND. In case of accidental damage to any major components or visible leakage – please immediately call our worldwide service department at 911. Our highly trained service personnel will arrive at your door in less than ten minutes, wake up all your neighbors and for good measure, your neighbor’s dogs, rush in, and immediately begin repairs. Please stand back and relax. We take customer service seriously. You have no idea what it costs to have the worlds shortest phone number.
Note: Girlfriends delivered in the USA do not include any of the health care modules as standard equipment.