googlicious

October 13, 2009

your new girlfriend –

Filed under: anguish languish, experimental — matthew @ 2:29 pm
Dear Boyfriend,

Our apologies. During delivery of your girlfriend, someone forgot to attach a copy of the operating instructions. In reviewing old files before deleting for privacy reasons, we noticed the error. We have enclosed the latest version of the manual. Additional documentation is available online. Please note that we have extended your warranty for one extra day.

*******************************************************************
Operating Instructions for Girlfriend, model #: 73487689709743, serial #: 001

  • Operating temperature: 37 C +- 1.0
  • Ambient temperature range: -10 to +40 C. Girlfriend may be operated outside of this range for brief periods but care should be taken to insure that internal temperature remains within specifications.
  • Audio level: 3-140db. Maximum harmonic distortion: 100%.
  • Power Requirements: Idle: Oxygen 45g/hr, Water 60 ml/hr. Peak: A fully functioning girlfriend can consume large amounts of energy. Please make sure your electrical service, bank accounts, vehicles, and physical health are updated. Girlfriend has been started at the factory and is designed to run continuously- do not attempt to switch girlfriend off.

All markings, color mismatch, and asymmetries in your girlfriend are guarantees that you have received an all-natural, handmade girlfriend. Your girlfriend is built to last for generations and has been provided with an entirely internal motivational system, which we really have no control over, so you are on your own on that one. In compliance with the latest i9000 standards, your girlfriend has been assembled from 100% recycled materials and is certified lead free. Although your girlfriend is edible, in most locales this is prohibited by law.

Many critical components are provided in duplicate and are enhanced with triple redundant repair systems. Some parts may seem useless at first, but rest assured that they will provide a wonderful source of entertainment in the future. Please take good care of your girlfriend. Very few replacement parts are available and they are extremely expensive. We are currently in the process of expanding our parts department, but it is not expected to be online until 2035. If you would like to assist this effort, please consider installing the bio-engineering phd software on your children. Meanwhile, we suggest you check ebay on a regular basis if parts are needed.

The first level of play consists of various simple challenges. Points will be gained for successfully escorting your girlfriend to social events, complimenting her clothing and appearance, tastefully discouraging other suitors, and questing for adventure.  When you have navigated this level and retained sufficient sanity points and energy stars, your girlfriend will explain the second level to you by means of koans. For those of you unfamiliar with zen practise, a koan is a riddle and a meditation. For instance, “do i look fat in this?”. The obvious answer is “no”, but if your girlfriend repeats the koan, it means you have not yet answered correctly. Boyfriends have reported that certain answers have been successful, including  ”we have a months vacation in barcelona starting next week and child care has been taken care of”, “why am i so in love with you?”,  ”please marry me”, and ”yes, that designer sucks, lets go to new york and buy you some serious clothes”. Various hint booklets purport to ensure your progress through this and future levels, but remember, creativity and uniqueness count – and the full potential of your girlfriend has yet to be tapped.

Please note that we are not responsible for damage to girlfriend, parents, vehicles, furniture, or world peace. Our legal staff assures us in no uncertain terms that you are responsible and liable for any and all damages and fees resulting from your relationship with your girlfriend, however, on a more cheerful note, our customers report that normal girlfriends rarely incur liabilities exceeding two or three years average income.

There are NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND. In case of accidental damage to any major components or visible leakage – please immediately call our worldwide service department at 911. Our highly trained service personnel will arrive at your door in less than ten minutes, wake up all your neighbors and for good measure, your neighbor’s dogs, rush in, and immediately begin repairs. Please stand back and relax. We take customer service seriously. You have no idea what it costs to have the worlds shortest phone number.

Note: Girlfriends delivered in the USA do not include any of the health care modules as standard equipment.

August 24, 2008

movie reviews by matthew and erica

Filed under: anguish languish, crazed artists, experimental — matthew @ 1:32 pm

The following 4 reviews were written by Erica and myself after seeing these movies together-

LORD OF THE RINGS 3 – reviewed december 26th, 2003matthew and erica

loud orcs trample reality
latent over-reaching theatrical rubbish
long overdramatic tiresome ringing-in-my-ears

ecchhh.

this movie has inspired me to try my hand at – movie critic. if they can make a movie like that and people love it, i can write a movie review.

sappy, interminable, loud, sappy, boring, sappy… did i mention sappy? and how bout that sound track eh? triumphal climactic horn playing – for three solid hours. except for the “celine dion with 5 seconds of reverb” whenever the elves are on screen. was that john williams bastard child i hear screaming?

isn’t there usually a credit at the end for the person who watches over the color processing? i always pictured them carefully checking each days developing, walking around the lab with a thermometer in hand checking to make sure the developer and stop bath temps were within a tenth of a degree of perfect, and checking the test prints with a magnifying glass to ensure they got their moneys worth of color, after all, this is color film we are watching here isn’t’ it? isn’t it? well somebody sure as hell was asleep at the wheel this time? they couldn’t make up their minds whether to shoot in color or black and white so they settled for dribbling developer at random on rolls of exposed film and then throwing them in a washing machine while flashing a strobe light on the whole mess. there are times in this film that try men’s souls… oops, wrong genre.

dialog: i know tolkien had the most stilted dialog of any author since homer, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work with it. for god’s sake, it’s a movie not an homage. and while we are on the subject of a movie shot with a huge budget, in a beautiful faraway location, would someone tell me why parts of it look like they have been staged for your typical high school gymnasium that gets used for the occasional rendition of “Oklahoma” or “the Crucible”? “enter legolas, stage left” ….

matthew – thumbs akimbo

*hi* erica here….well excuse my father the harsh critic that he is (i believe we all know that)the movie wasn’t actually as bad as it seems. the music fit nicely, the scenery was beautiful and orlando bloom was there for eye candy. ::yummy:: anyways, what he forgot to mention was that it was dragged out wayyyyy too much and that is all i would change about it. they really could’ve cut it in half and made our lives a bit easier. i will admit that at times i was tempted to throw my drink at the screen or yell “walk a bit faster there frodo!” “we don’t care if sam starts a family!” but other than that i enjoyed myself! thank you!

erica – thumbs…..sideways???

=======================================================

IN AMERICA – reviewed december 27, 2003

the two sisters, ariel and Christina(??), confront a life in new york that is rougher, richer, and juicier than you might imagine. but ariel shines through it like a small but piercing spotlight. perfect christmas movie – the little child shall lead them through the dark nights of the soul, the dark nights of new york, and into a new day, much like the ones before, but easier to smile at.

-matthew

wow! when my dad stays for the credits in a movie i know that he likes it…and he stayed! ::whew:: definitely a beautiful movie about a poor irish family who travels to new york in the 80’s. and no one who watches it can help but fall in love with ariel and christina two extremely spunky little girls who befriend an angry artist named mateo on halloween night who changes their life. the family has definitely had their share of hardships but they seem to make the best of all of it. it was hard to believe that when i looked up at my father there was a glistening tear on his cheek….enough said…..

-erica

definitely a THUMBS UP

=======================================================

LOST IN TRANSLATION – reviewed january 4, 2004

This movie certainly moves at its own pace but i didn’t find myself looking at my watch wondering what time it was. A story about an actor named Bob Harris (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) who are both americans visiting tokyo for different reasons…whatever those reasons may be they run into each other while staying at the same hotel and venture around tokyo together all the while slowly falling for each other. this movie is much better than return of the king if you enjoy a cute love story better than evil orcs and giant elephants. probably the most memorable scenes are when bill is shooting a whiskey commercial and is getting instructions from a Japanese director who when he speaks it will take him a minute to say turn left, or a little smile… After the movie is over you feel like you have taken a trip to tokyo in about two hours while visiting outrageous night clubs and the beautiful scenery and i personally wanted to stay.

-erica

definitely a THUMBS UP

i have always liked bill murrays work- he seems to have so much fun making movies.

when bob proceeds at his stately pace through the vague and slightly worried care he receives from his japanese hosts and employers, i can both appreciate the fulsome culture he has landed in, and laugh at the way we move through these inscrutable experiences with the armor of a bemused smile.

and bob and charlotte make magic together- not the sweaty, somewhat scary plunge you might expect, but a more measured and zenlike state that gives them both companionship and reassurance that the world is at heart a friendly place. in fact the movies pace is almost disconcerting- the director seems to be showing us all the different paths the story could take, while letting the story unfold in what seems like realtime.

- mattthew

=======================================================

THIRTEEN-reviewed january, 4, 2004

……….intense……….definitely not something to watch when you’re in the mood for a light-hearted drama…..i walked out of the theatre a little dazed. A story about a thirteen years old road to self destruction and you’re going down right along with her. Tracy [a thirteen year old who is a good student but not the most popular] meets Evie [the prettiest, most popular girl in school] who introduces tracy to the world of drugs, sex, and drinking. I am only thirteen and the thought that this really happens, scares the heck out of me. it’s amazing how easily people will slip into that lifestyle all to fit in. you just keep hoping she will see through evie’s evilness and not get sucked into it, but of course she doesn’t. the acting is superb for two fifteen year olds, better than some adults. slowly as tracy begins to get more and more screwed up the color begins to fade, things get grayer and almost black and white. this movie is quite terrifying to parents and children (i had to reassure my father that i wasn’t THAT bad) but definitely an excellent movie.

-erica (fourteen)

THUMBS UP!!

October 12, 2007

my niece piper turns one

Filed under: experimental, once upon a time — matthew @ 6:33 pm

Dear Parents, October 5, 2007

Our apologies. During delivery of your child, someone forgot to attach a copy of the operating instructions. In reviewing old files before deleting for privacy reasons, we noticed the error. We have enclosed the latest version of the manual. Additional documentation is available online. Please note that we have extended your warranty for one extra day.

*******************************************************************
Operating Instructions for Child, model #: 73487689709743, serial #: 001

Order received: Jan 6, 2006, assembly begun Jan 7, 2006.
Date of delivery: October 6, 2006.

Operating temperature: 37 C +- 1.0
Ambient temperature range: 0-40 C Child may be operated outside of this range for brief periods but care should be taken to insure that internal temperature remains within specifications.

Power Requirements:
Idle: Oxygen 45g/hr, Water 60 ml/hr. Peak: A fully functioning child can consume large amounts of energy. Please make sure your electrical service, bank accounts, vehicles, and physical health are updated. Child has been started at the factory and is designed to run continuously- do not attempt to switch child off.

Audio level: 3-140db. Maximum harmonic distortion: 100%.

Shock Loading: Do not subject your child to acceleration over 4g. If you wish to do extreme maneuvers with your child, please purchase gymnastics software. This is available from third party suppliers, and is installed over a period of 200 weeks, at $50/wk.

All markings, color mismatch, and asymmetries in your child are guarantees that you have received an all-natural, handmade child. Your child is built to last for generations and has been provided with an entirely internal motivational system, which we really have no control over, so you are on your own on that one. In compliance with the latest i9000 standards, your child has been assembled from 100% recycled materials and is certified lead free. Although your child is edible, in most locales this is prohibited by law.

Many critical components are provided in duplicate and are enhanced with triple redundant repair systems. Some parts may seem useless at first, but rest assured that they will provide a wonderful source of entertainment in the future. Please take good care of your child. Very few replacement parts are available and they are extremely expensive. We are currently in the process of expanding our parts department, but it is not expected to be online until 2035. If you would like to assist this effort, please consider installing the bio-engineering phd software on your child. Meanwhile, we suggest you check ebay on a regular basis if parts are needed.

The first level of play consists of various simple challenges. Points will be gained for successfully feeding, clothing, cleaning, and teaching your child to talk. When you have navigated this level and retained sufficient sanity points and energy stars, your child will explain the second level to you. Various hint booklets purport to ensure your progress through this and future levels, but remember, creativity and uniqueness count – and the full potential of this device has yet to be tapped.

Do not attempt to prevent child from making mistakes. This is part of the basic programming paradigm and is an indicator of correct internal functioning. Please note that we are not responsible for damage to child, parents, vehicles, furniture, or world peace. Our legal staff assures us in no uncertain terms that you are responsible and liable for any and all financial damages for eighteen years from delivery. This may seem unfair in light of the aforementioned internal motivational system, which kicks in long before your responsibility expires. However, our customers report that normal children rarely incur liabilities exceeding your combined average yearly income.

There are NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE OF YOUR CHILD. In case of accidental damage to any major components or visible leakage – please immediately call our worldwide service department at 911. Our highly trained service personnel will arrive at your door in less than ten minutes, wake up all your neighbors and for good measure, your neighbor’s dogs, rush in, and immediately begin repairs. Please stand back and relax. We take customer service seriously. You have no idea what it costs to have the worlds shortest phone number.

Note: Children delivered in the USA do not include any of the health care modules as standard equipment.

September 28, 2006

long form haiku

Filed under: experimental, once upon a time — matthew @ 11:33 pm

time passes.

the universe shrinks.

the sun cools.

a sort of limbo reigns.

as on a fast moving train.

lots of rest.

cleaning up.

relax.

September 12, 2006

automatic translation… or how wars happen.

Filed under: anguish languish, experimental, machine translation — Tags: — matthew @ 9:23 pm

アカウント紛失につき変更しました。 ブランクあけていた間は、多忙に付き、何も手につきませんでした。 またたまによらせていただきます。

i won’t bore you with how i came to wonder what this said, but suffice it to say i was curious. (it looked like email sent to one of my domains by mistake, said domain being only one letter difference from a large chinese manufacturing concern).  google translation guessed it was japanese and offered up this english:

“It modified concerning account loss. Blank while opening, it was attached busily, nothing was attached to the hand. In addition you depend sometimes.”

Although it makes some sense, everybody has problems with attachments, and even i depend sometimes, it’s not very juicy, and juice is what i was after so i had google translate it from chinese, on the basis of the fact i can barely tell them apart:

Binging papers stolen there was another stratum guided missile escort boat formation conducted offensive focus more Shika mada Shika 変 enterprises. Army’s stock of long-guided missile escort boat formation conducted offensive Xiaochun imports between wa, how busy pay enterprises, Dr Mo Worse there was hand-sized distortion of た mada’s ambassador. Mada mada Binging article is long-Word victory enterprises mada protecting the public hearings.

Bada Bing! Much more exciting and martial! Long-Word victory enterprises. Certainly sounds chinese. Could easily be the Beijing Scrabble Clubs motto.

One way to discover weak points, or as it turned out in this case, strengths, in automatic translation, is to translate, for instance, english into chinese, and then back into english. Here is what resulted from the first go round:

Another drug documents stolen missile fleet layer attacks more Xiayou Madagascar Xiayou enterprises. Army missile fleet stock long term attack on the import regulation Xiaochun payment arrangements enterprises busy, he MO poor, Enterprise Application distorted Madagascar. Madagascar victory drug enterprises protect Madagascar characters long hearing.

How did drugs come into the picture? And where did all the binging go? let’s run it through again – it seems we are gaining concision and clarity:

Another missile attack on multi-level documents stolen drugs Xiayou Madagascar team enterprises. Army missile attack teams to pay long-term stock enterprises busy import control measures, Zhou Xiaochuan, MO poor, distorted organizations enterprise applications. Madagascar Madagascar characters victory in protecting the long-term drug trial.

Now it’s starting to make sense… once more:

The missile strike with multilayer enterprise Xiayou of the medicine, documents the Madagascar team which is stolen. As for the missile of the troop application of the group whose management measurement and Zhou Xiaochuan of import, heavy long-term storage enterprise were twisted is bad was paid. Victory of the Madagascar of long medicine test quality.

From a modified account loss to hand-sized distortion to missile strikes. this, in a nutshell, is probably how wars happen.

August 26, 2006

the gilded cage

Filed under: experimental — matthew @ 7:09 pm

sometimes the internet is *so* boring. for instance, as i was pouring myself a cachacha and orange juice and contemplating the lovely raindrenched vista outside, a cool and spacious airconditioned house furnished with art and a few oddlies, and the hour approaching where i shall hie myself out to a birthday party, but to retrench, this luxurious sensation brought to mind the phrase “gilded cage” and being nearly close enough to touch a keyboard whilst this ran through my brainpan, i quickly arrived at http://gildedcage.com. if that isn’t one of the most boring use of a fine domain name….

of course, i shouldn’t be one to talk, seeing as i have taken googlicious.com and turned it into this….

August 24, 2006

a good meal – for free!

Filed under: experimental — matthew @ 12:05 am

the first person to tell me where the picture in the header was taken will be taken out to dinner at a restaurant of their choice. the first person to tell me where the picture in the header of the about page was taken is really sharp, but gets the same thing… for that one, you could probably use a hint, but you’re not getting one…

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