- camping out on a throne in the middle of the audience, well hidden…
- seeing keith keeping twinkle from falling off the high stage
- being the only couple dancing to funky o
- terry charming eight out of every ten women within a hundred yards
- the gator club, the five-o, and where the hell did we end up that night?
- arriving on englewood beach
- what can you do with a mango?
- and a little black dress?
- ladies night at juniors, and yes, ladies night at juniors has it’s own myspace page
- your first drink of the day served by the bartender at calypsos
- the sexiest collection of white outfits on the planet gets massacred by a sprinkler system
- breakfast – um, forgot everything except the mimosas
- trashing the shower with a gallon of shaving cream
- being the couple to watch in the water
- shrimp and guitar and artichokes and big big jen
- rock with the juju band, brick house, and five jaegermeisters
- extracting big jen from said bar
- nearly convincing two homophobic gator killers to take all us drunks out on a boat for a moonlight cruise – where is hunter s. thompson when you need him?
- skinny dipping at the skinniest point of manasota key, with a dancing girl
- what else can we say about big breasts and bathing suits?
- being a bad host because your boyfriend just never will get enough of you
- breakfast at five am because your boyfriend just never will get enough of you
- a little sleep…
- a completely over the top boyfriend lecture
- the worlds finest hand crafted birthday cake
- interrupting your cbz’s breathing yet again
- you danced into your 38th year of a long and deep love affair with the universe…
- more forever!
- my cute girl zero rocks
June 14, 2008
my lovers birthday
October 12, 2007
my niece piper turns one
Dear Parents, October 5, 2007
Our apologies. During delivery of your child, someone forgot to attach a copy of the operating instructions. In reviewing old files before deleting for privacy reasons, we noticed the error. We have enclosed the latest version of the manual. Additional documentation is available online. Please note that we have extended your warranty for one extra day.
*******************************************************************
Operating Instructions for Child, model #: 73487689709743, serial #: 001
Order received: Jan 6, 2006, assembly begun Jan 7, 2006.
Date of delivery: October 6, 2006.
Operating temperature: 37 C +- 1.0
Ambient temperature range: 0-40 C Child may be operated outside of this range for brief periods but care should be taken to insure that internal temperature remains within specifications.
Power Requirements:
Idle: Oxygen 45g/hr, Water 60 ml/hr. Peak: A fully functioning child can consume large amounts of energy. Please make sure your electrical service, bank accounts, vehicles, and physical health are updated. Child has been started at the factory and is designed to run continuously- do not attempt to switch child off.
Audio level: 3-140db. Maximum harmonic distortion: 100%.
Shock Loading: Do not subject your child to acceleration over 4g. If you wish to do extreme maneuvers with your child, please purchase gymnastics software. This is available from third party suppliers, and is installed over a period of 200 weeks, at $50/wk.
All markings, color mismatch, and asymmetries in your child are guarantees that you have received an all-natural, handmade child. Your child is built to last for generations and has been provided with an entirely internal motivational system, which we really have no control over, so you are on your own on that one. In compliance with the latest i9000 standards, your child has been assembled from 100% recycled materials and is certified lead free. Although your child is edible, in most locales this is prohibited by law.
Many critical components are provided in duplicate and are enhanced with triple redundant repair systems. Some parts may seem useless at first, but rest assured that they will provide a wonderful source of entertainment in the future. Please take good care of your child. Very few replacement parts are available and they are extremely expensive. We are currently in the process of expanding our parts department, but it is not expected to be online until 2035. If you would like to assist this effort, please consider installing the bio-engineering phd software on your child. Meanwhile, we suggest you check ebay on a regular basis if parts are needed.
The first level of play consists of various simple challenges. Points will be gained for successfully feeding, clothing, cleaning, and teaching your child to talk. When you have navigated this level and retained sufficient sanity points and energy stars, your child will explain the second level to you. Various hint booklets purport to ensure your progress through this and future levels, but remember, creativity and uniqueness count – and the full potential of this device has yet to be tapped.
Do not attempt to prevent child from making mistakes. This is part of the basic programming paradigm and is an indicator of correct internal functioning. Please note that we are not responsible for damage to child, parents, vehicles, furniture, or world peace. Our legal staff assures us in no uncertain terms that you are responsible and liable for any and all financial damages for eighteen years from delivery. This may seem unfair in light of the aforementioned internal motivational system, which kicks in long before your responsibility expires. However, our customers report that normal children rarely incur liabilities exceeding your combined average yearly income.
There are NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE OF YOUR CHILD. In case of accidental damage to any major components or visible leakage – please immediately call our worldwide service department at 911. Our highly trained service personnel will arrive at your door in less than ten minutes, wake up all your neighbors and for good measure, your neighbor’s dogs, rush in, and immediately begin repairs. Please stand back and relax. We take customer service seriously. You have no idea what it costs to have the worlds shortest phone number.
Note: Children delivered in the USA do not include any of the health care modules as standard equipment.
June 22, 2007
surreality
in tpm cafe, which i read after arriving home tonight, i noticed the upcoming nebraska senate race- pivotal in 2008 supposedly, so i bought nebraskasenate.com. arriving home after an hour or so at esca (got no link for them, sorry… but it is the best place in town for almost anything) where i had a shot of drambuie on the rocks. ran into NK who seemed (more…)
March 20, 2007
this from a couple years ago…
after a long somewhat frustrating day of neglecting work yet again to do politics, i headed out toward a party, stopping over at a friends house around the corner from said party. we had a glass of wine and somehow ended up sharing stories of our strangest sexual encounters. not that we had many, but i learned some things about my ex i didn’t know before… (more…)
September 28, 2006
long form haiku
time passes.
the universe shrinks.
the sun cools.
a sort of limbo reigns.
as on a fast moving train.
lots of rest.
cleaning up.
relax.
September 5, 2006
lurve rears it’s ugly head..
way back in 2000, when I had just broken up with my girlfriend/love of my life type person, i was devastated – for months i listened to sad music at 3am, couldn’t sleep, cried a ridiculous amount, drove away all my clients with my bizarre behavior… but gradually, as time went by, i adjusted to the occasional crushing loneliness. and usually, somewhere in the back of my head was the comforting thought that, soon, in months, or at most a year or maybe even two, i would be in love again.
August 29, 2006
youtubing
so late at night, having tucked in a guest just arrived from the west coast via scooter- somehow i stumble, through the auguries of the bowels of the new york times, onto this (note: The creators identified themselves as Miles Beckett, 28, of Woodland Hills, Calif.; Mesh Flinders, 26, of Petaluma, Calif., and Greg Goodfried, 27, of Los Angeles) and this – certainly two of the most wonderful bits of cultural density i’ve seen lately… so tell me, did you foresee this happening? 7 million views of a vanishingly humble korean playing bach, and a thousand video responses to “i really shouldn’t post this, but….”
yikes… this is going to be a wild ride…