googlicious

Your new computer -

advice to my sister jennifer, sent along with her new machine…
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hi!

since you are reading this, you have successfully opened and installed your new all purpose computer implant. in order for your implant (which was carefully manufactured by non-slave chinese labor) to give you long years of pleasurable service, we urge you to follow these simple guidelines-

1. thou shalt not wear thy implant into the shower.

2. thou shalt feed it only carefully vetted and community approved software.

3. thou shalt stop and think three times when confronted with a “would you like to install this” web page, and then mostly refrain from doing so, unless the lack of, would imperil your fulfilling your dreams. exceptions may be made for software from macromedia, sun, microsoft, autodesk, and other “household” names.

4. thou shalt often and consistently (like weekly or more often) sweep clean the interstices of the machine of invasive and obnoxious fragments of code which foul marketers and sales forces have insinuated therein. the powers that be have provided two effective tools for this effort - adaware and spybot.

5. thou shalt regularly (like every time you run them) check for updates to these tools and religiously apply them.

6. thou shalt insure that thy implant is downstream of a router/firewall device.

7. thou shalt stoically resist importunements which promise to provide faster, larger, or more longlasting downloads, viewing experiences, or erections, unless approved by community acclaim or your phamacist.

8. thou shalt not blame the provider of less than full cost copies of software for problems with your implant. unlike chinese copies of taiwanese copies of german machinery, virtual devices are fully identical in functionality and safety with the original software- and include all bugs and malfeatures of the original. the only known exceptions are an inability to install service packs for microsoft office. if this feature is required, you may actually wish to buy a copy, with the fond knowledge that sr. gates is giving away billions of dollars to the third world development effort.

9. thou shalt be *extremely* reluctant to enter ones real email address into a webform provided by someone you do not know personally unless you have the utmost faith in their trustworthiness and hatred of spam. ebay, amazon, most software companies, banks, and the like are generally in this category. we *strongly* advise the creation of a second email address to be used in all cases where there may be some doubt and a response is required.